Tomorrow (March 8th), is International Women's Day.
A friend of mine, “the Psychiatrist” tore a page out of a magazine
he was reading and said “here you should read this”. I did and I thought it was
worth sharing for this week’s International Women’s Day. Whether you are a
working mom, might become one, have a wife who is one, or just know one, some
sage advice from Dr. Barbara Howard might not hurt!
Summary of : Help families clarify values about working
moms. Clinical Psychiatry News Feb. 2014
“Mommy Wars”. It even has a name. This refers to the
conflict between mothers working only at home versus mothers with outside
employment. As the story goes, each group looks down on the other – the at home
mom decrying the lack of caring for the family of the employed, and the
employed smirking at the intellectual plateau and lack of earnings of the home
mom.
However the bigger Mommy War is inside the individual woman:
Am I fulfilling my potential? Am I doing right by my family? The turmoil and
stress of mothers at worst can contribute to turmoil in the home, or at a minimum
to exhausted mothers not having much fun.
How can we support others, or ourselves? Dr. Howard suggests
start by thinking about your family’s values. The best parenting occurs when a
women is satisfied with her role – whether at home full time or working
outside. Being satisfied can be promoted by mindful consideration and
acceptance of the choices they make. Make a list of your pros and cons – it can
assist in assist in the evolution of more satisfaction than “what is”.
The benefits are many to children who have working mothers.
The added (or only) income can provide important resources such as educational
opportunities, sports, and the arts. Having a mother who studies, collaborates,
or creates value through her work provides a natural role model for the child’s
future success in a career, as well as in being a parent. This is especially
valuable for girls who may have the same dilemma about work in the future, but
also for boys who may have greater respect for women in the workplaces as well
as in their future homes. Children might see more clearly the value in getting
an education, and might have a better appreciation for the hard work it takes
to get there when they observe their mothers in this role. Resentment is not
likely as long as the mother shows affection and makes sure she knows her
children well.
Often a working mother’s main concern is whether she is
giving her children enough love and attention. Studies have shown that the
average at-home mother spends 20 minutes per day of one-on-one time playing
with her child. Dr. Howard recommends moms spend 15 minutes of Special Time
every day with each child, following their lead in play. This is like gold to
the parent-child relationship. This guaranteed time makes the child feel loved,
reduces behavior problems, and assuages some of the mother’s guilt so she can
keep needed childrearing limits.
One of the biggest stresses for women deciding to go back
to, or to carry on at work is child care. Families worry about their children’s
wellbeing at child care facilities or with nannies. Old news stories of
rare abuse stories or abductions can create unreasonable fears that limit the
families choices and greatly affect their overall family functioning. But most
families don’t make these choices lightly. You talked to other mothers,
you did your research, and you trusted your instincts, now it is time to trust
yourself and relax.
Another question is whether her baby will “lover her the
best” if he goes to day care. Dr. Howard reassures us that even for infants
blood is thicker than water, and that the primary bond with mom will prevail.
Multitudes of child psychology studies over decades have proven this out. And
remember, no one can have too many people who love you.
Even in families with supportive husbands who endorse an
equal role in parenting, mothers have been noted to do 75% of the maintenance
of the family and house. Don’t go run off an blame your husband! Often this is
driven by the mother who does not want to give up the control, or needs to make
up for their working mom guilt. Try weekly family meetings to keep roles and
responsibly on the table and trade tasks as needed. A not uncommon story is of
a working mom being asked “how do you do it” and the response is “I don’t
sleep”. Lack of sleep is epidemic in the US, but it has extra potential impact
on mothers. It can lead to irritability, depression, inefficiency, and adds
extra stress. I hate Martha Stewart. What real mother can make little
costumes for her candlesticks? Yet some women have trouble lowering their
standards for “Housekeeping” to a feasible level . Remember, dust kittens in
the living room and an occasional frozen dinner are a small price to pay for
having family fun and maintaining sanity.
What about those Mommy Wars? I will depart from Dr. Howard’s
article and say that as women we need to stick together and leverage what comes
naturally to us. Women are sited as having a high need for collaboration and
communication. Why not make friends across the employment divide and join
forces.
The stay at home mom often has a great pulse on what’s going
on at school or in the communities and I have found they are really happy to
share their knowledge if you’re willing to ask. I thank the heavens for the
stay at home mom’s in my neighborhood who lead the PTAs, help out in the
classroom, and make my child’s school experience a great one.
Hopefully the stay at home mom can appreciate all that the
working moms do too. They are great role models for their daughters and sons a
like. Working mothers should look for those opportunities to be the classroom
“special guest” and talk about how they contribute to the community. I
took part in a Science Fair at my child’s school and did a classroom tour to
show how science is cool. Afterwards my child pointed out that “I was the only
girl”, that made me glad I came!
Women in the workforce would not be where they are now if
was not for the generations before who forged a path. Now it is our turn to
work together to forge the path for the working women of tomorrow.
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